Child of My Dreams

Annie Reid

Nobody ever thinks their child will die before they do, but unfortunately it does happen and it did happen to me. She was my only daughter and we had a very strong connection. It was her birthday on Monday the 26th May and she would have been 27 years old if she had survived. Hayley died at the age of 21 years and it will be six years this year since her passing. I have pondered on writing this for some time but knew I would write it when the time was right.

Hayley was diagnosed with bone cancer at the age of 19 and lost her life to it 18 months later. She underwent chemo and radiotherapy. After the first lot of chemo there was improvement, but not for long. She needed a second round and, after two of a programme of something like six sessions, she backed out and stopped any more chemo. The chemo was so horrific that it changed her body to a mere shell: no hair on her body whatsoever, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, no hair on her head. She’d had the most beautiful head of hair and it all fell out. Fortunately Hayley looked good with no hair. She was a very attractive girl and this just enhanced her looks, but it did not make it any easier for her to cope with the fact that she was dying. On her journey she still had lessons to learn about life and to the very end she was learning and growing spiritually.

For me it felt like I was totally left out of the loop; I couldn’t put a plaster on this one and make it better. It was a huge lesson for me to just let go, supporting her in any way I could, but knowing that the day would come when she would pass. After a time, that day did come and in my eyes that was a blessing; she had undergone such pain and suffering and when she did pass she was unable to see or walk. I know in my heart that she would never have wanted to live like this. She always had a smile on her face and always put others before herself.

The end of a nightmare had come and I felt a sense of relief as well as a great loss. I live with loss every day and for the first year without her my grief was great, all consuming. Everyone grieves differently and for me it was a very private thing. Over time though, you learn to move forward and take your memories with you.

She was a dream baby; she did everything with ease, was always such a happy wee soul. Sleeping through the night from a very young age, she gave me such pleasure when she smiled at me. I was surely blessed to have such a good child. Little did I know what was to come. All I can say is she lived her life to the full; every day was a new adventure. Her love of animals was one of her virtues and she loved many on her journey here on this earthly plane.

Hayley lives in my dreams; I miss her physical presence but know that she is with me in spirit. She is only ever a thought away and when she enters my mind I know she is near and wanting her mother’s attention and love. I will never forget her; she is part of my daily life; she encourages me to move forward in my writing and to discover that I am not only a mother. I am a woman who has talents that need to be expressed and this is the way I express these talents. In her death I have been reborn to go on and make a difference, if only in touching someone else’s life through my writing.

So to any other mother who has lost a child and is still grieving, please know that there is something new out there for you and that time is the only thing that will reveal it. Something new was reborn for me and I know it will happen for you too.